Men, These Breakup Reactions Are Harming You: Learn Thirteen Strategies For What To Do Instead
Men, These Breakup Reactions Are Harming You:
Learn What To Do Instead
Breakups are unnerving. They challenge your sense of stability and safety, and often initiate feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and failure. It’s common for men to default to a “power through this” approach to breakups, which works to an extent, but also leaves experiences from the relationship unprocessed, and therefore able to “haunt” future relationships.
In the aftermath of a breakup, choosing helpful responses, rather than harmful reactions to your emotions is an essential step for recovering from the grief of losing the relationship, and ensuring you have healthy relationships in the future.
In this post, I detail five harmful reactions to a breakup, and tips for how to respond, instead.
1: Boundary-less Pursuit
After a breakup, most men experience symptoms related to grief and anxiety, including:
Constant thoughts about your ex, or the relationship
Difficulty concentrating, or sleeping
Loss of appetite
Feelings of anger and despair
Self-blame (seeing yourself as a failure, or as the cause of the breakup)
Because emotions are “raw” in the aftermath of a breakup, it is common to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do with the mix of emotions you are experiencing.
During this time of upheaval, men may pursue their ex in an attempt to win her back. Sometimes these pursuit attempts are fueled by anxiety, and are therefore extreme or uncharacteristic for you. Some examples include:
Constantly texting your ex
Showing up at your ex’s workplace
Sending unwanted notes or flowers
Stalking your ex on social media
These attempts are “boundary-less,” meaning: They do not honor and consider your ex’s desire for distance, and cross her set boundaries. Dismissing or ignoring another person’s boundaries is a violation of their rights to feel safe and to make choices about their own wellbeing.
What to do instead:
Set your own boundaries. For example, if continuing to follow your ex on social is causing you distress, then unfollow or block her.
If you are unclear on your ex’s boundaries, such as whether to call or text, ask her, and then abide by them.
Distract yourself through healthy avenues, like exercise, meeting up with friends, and/or meeting with a therapist.
2: Getting Into A Rebound Relationship
Rebounding into a new relationship, or joining the dating world immediately after a breakup can be a way to cope with unwanted distress. While casually dating in order to have fun does have benefits, consistent distraction from your feelings can lead to a cycle of breakup–rebound–breakup–rebound, which overtime contributes to 1) projecting past pain onto a current relationship, as well as 2) disconnection from your own wants and needs.
What to do instead:
Get clear on what you want and need during this breakup time.
Do not commit to a new relationship, until you have “processed” the old relationship.
3: Hiding Your Breakup Struggles
After a breakup, it is tempting to go on with life as usual and pretend you are unphased. Societal expectations for men regarding displays of distress are still quite rigid, and it is therefore easy for many men to follow the norm and hide their real struggles.
To make matters worse, men tend to have friendships with other guys that are meaningful, yet are not based on sharing feelings or offering support during difficult times. This creates further isolation for men going through a breakup, because they likely feel they don’t have anyone to talk to who will understand their emotional struggles.
It takes courage to tell a friend, or loved one, “I am struggling. I could use some advice, or a listening ear.” It takes courage for you to simply admit this to yourself.
It is normal to struggle after a breakup; it’s best to not pretend you are fine.
What to do instead:
Go to therapy, and be open about your struggles. “Breakup therapy” is a thing.
Choose a friend you trust, ask if it’s ok to talk about what you’re going through, and begin a new kind of conversation.
4: Villainizing Your Ex, or Women In General
Talking trash about your ex after a breakup is low, and it will make you look like the jerk. Venting is not productive, especially when it’s directed at people who know your ex. Villainizing your ex, is also a strategy for pretending you don’t care, pretending you’re not hurting, or making yourself feel better.
I had an acquaintance once who talked about his negative beliefs about women at length. Yet, he could not understand why his dating relationships never evolved into deeper, intimate partnerships. The connection is clear: What you believe is visible, even if it’s not audible. In other words, whether or not you discuss your beliefs with a new partner, they will impact your relationship.
Allowing your ex, or a painful breakup, to skew your beliefs about relationships, intimacy, or women will only harm you in the long run. This is the time to reflect on the relationship’s strengths and its struggles.
Also, if and when you discuss the relationship, avoid generalizations; be specific about moments that were hurtful to you from the relationship, and be as honest with yourself as possible about your responsibility in the demise of the relationship. These three strategies will keep you from becoming closed off to new partners, or within new relationships.
What to do instead:
Read books about healthy relationships, in order to understand the specific dynamics that did not work in your past relationship.
Learn about yourself. Notice your preferences and needs in relationships, so that you are able to increase openness in your next partnership.
Overall, strengthen your relational skills. There is always something new to learn about relating to others productively and kindly.
5. Turning to Alcohol, Substances, Pornography, or Other Harmful Coping Strategies
In times of emotional distress, we default to our “old” coping mechanisms. The higher the stress, the more “automatic” the pull toward past coping strategies that our more conscious, healthy self has eliminated.
While there is nothing inherently damaging about drinking alcohol, or viewing pornography, when their use is increased, for coping reasons, it will have an impact on your overall mental wellbeing. Be mindful of your coping mechanisms—notice what you are doing, and if possible, identify what you are feeling that leads to unhealthy coping; this is a process of identifying your “triggers.” The more aware you are of emotions that lead to unhelpful coping, the more power you have to choose alternatives that fit into your wellness goals.
What to do instead:
Beware of using sex to numb your feelings, and instead, identify your feelings.
If necessary, get support for overuse / addiction, through going to meetings, or support groups.
Learn about your coping mechanisms and triggers, and work to develop new, healthy coping skills through therapy, or self-learning.
Summary
While you are going through a breakup, you can choose coping strategies that will lead to growth and healing over time. Yes, breakups are destabilizing, and therefore they elicit strong reactions in most of us, including crying, anger, obsessive thoughts, and more. Recognize that these feelings are a normal part of grief, and choose some of the strategies shared in this article to help you through this time.
